Chances

Salam & Hello,

There's moments during this infancy career life of mine that I feel a little bit devastated and disappointed and still feel lost. This due to a lot of reasons including external party and of course my dear self. Some of them even lose hope on us. I have come to a point that I feel so this is it? This is what working life is? And between what I expected when I first land the job and what I have experienced lately, it was not all fulfilling.

However, recently, my friends and I got the opportunity, chance to participate in an event. As some of you might know, events is my heartbeat. I would jump for it whenever I had the chance. So this time around, it wasn't the event that much that touched me, it was the opportunity given by someone to let us organize this event. To trust and give us space to grow and to prove ourselves that we can do it. To believe in us while we are in doubt about ourselves. That chance, that opportunity means a lot to me. It is the nurturing that we actually been longing for. May Allah bless her soul for helping us out, for giving us chance when everybody else punishes.

When in doubt

When in doubt, write.

It doesn't really solve things but it makes you feel better.

Of course then there is istikharah and all :)

Try it. You might writes your woes away.

#first2017

Assalamualaikum and Hello again everyone~!!!

Hahaha... The last time i wrote a post was mid-last year. But i do write a few more, it's just that i didn't post it. It was some heart-pouring thing where common sense are nowhere to be seen. Hahaha. But I'm okay now. Well at least for NOW. I hope i'm going to be okay for the rest of the year. So here I am indulging in my passion again. Typing, writing, posting or whatever :).

Second of all I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2017~!!! It's not too late yet compared to when i post last year X'D So this year i am better because it is only March so yeay me! Of course my new year's resolution is to write as much as possible (like every other year's resolution) but this time I am aiming for once a month post. So i can sum up what happen during the month and my blog is not dead and i can make myself happy by writing my blog again. It's been a good 7 years having this blog and i don't want it to go to nothing. It is a commitment that i made and i enjoy it and i love it still and it has a special place in my heart. I couldn't careless if not many people read it (is there any people read blog nowadays?) as long as i can write. There! Haha.

I've been thinking about plan writing this post and a few post for a long time now. But that remains that. It's just in my head. I was busy with work or something else. Or maybe it's just really i don't set a time to do it (plan failure alert!). I'm half blaming social media for this...Hahaha. Because I was so distracted by it and I couldn't help myself checking it frequently and didn't really do what I wish/plan to do because half of my time im on social media and other half is eat, sleep, work, shower and all that. Am I addicted to it? Probably just minor XD but the fact that i can't have control over my emotion after i'm browsing it just so disappointing.

I am mostly active on Twitter and Instagram and I always felt disturbed after scrolling down Twitter because sometimes it's just too negative for me because people are hating on each other, bashing people for a small thing and people make a joke out of something serious and vice versa (this is particularly for Malaysian Twitter community though I think anywhere else are just as same) and gosh people looovveeee, just loooovvveee, big capital L Loveee to give their opinion on things. Some are just "experts" on everything and must give opinion on everything and their misplaced sarcasm on issues. Well please save 'em for something that needs your sarcasm. You are not being cool being sarcastic all the time. Sometimes it's just annoying. Geez.

And as for Instagram, I always felt overwhelmed after i scroll through. You know they say that it is all filtered and not as happy as they seem on it. But i didn't see the unhappy part so i can't lie to my brain. And not that im not happy seeing other people happy but i can't help compared myself to them and feel that you are not successful enough, rich enough or even CREATIVE enough or in summary you try to count your blessing but still wanting more. So that made me unhappy and even demotivated. I got distracted at work and constantly think I was not meant for this job, i don't like it and i was meant to be some artist painting on abstract piece for postcards and greetings card. Which I haven't done any of those because all this while i only scrolling for ideas but never really DID it.

So i logged out from both twitter and instagram. Just for a while because i feel that i feel demotivated at work because of all these and yes sadly i can't control how i react to them. Some people just can scroll through and without having any impact on their life (that's my elder sister). So by logging out i hope that i can focus on my current work (though in time i would like to work on something else) and do what i really want to do or love to do. If i still cant do that then maybe that is because of something else. Right now it is quite evident because i have more time to blog and spring clean my room. But i'm still on facebook but i think facebook it not as impactful or distrcting as twitter and ig for me. At least it is varied (in some way...hahaha). OMG! I feel old when i said that XD.

I hope i can logged out as long as I possibly can. It's been only three or four days but it feels like forever. Until I learn how to deal with it, i think im better off without it so that i can focus on my work and my study. Oh the fidgety feeling i got when i always wants to check it. I caught myself wanting to check my phone every 2 minutes (see that's why i can't focus) and always reached out for my phone. My hands are just on auto-pilot. Just when i logged out twitter i feel that i'll be missing out on the news because my news source is that but i can just google it so no worries. Hahaha. I still youtubed though. Is youtube a social media? Can be distracting but no overwhelmed feelings. So okay... XD

Without my main social media I hope that i can blog more, do art more or at least planning for it (I'm still learning how to plan things in life) because life before this is as smooth AF. I really and consciously feel that I have come to that challenging age where i really learn a lot and reflect back on myself and just might change me, change how behave and how i do things, appreciate people and just to embrace life with an open heart and mind. InsyaAllah.

This very moment of typing this makes me so happy and it is satisfying feeling of accomplishment.

I hope and wish and pray I can do more of this.

Best Regards,

F.

2016 First

I don't want to write 'I miss writing' in sad tone anymore. I just want to start off with all positive. I miss writing. I miss it a lot. Now, that I'm writing this I am very happy. Very very contented. I have not been writing here for almost half a year. My previous post was all sad. I was. I think that was my lowest moment in life. But now I am okay. I am pretty much thankful to Allah things are getting better again. Not the same, but better.

So, first of all I would like to wish a Happy 2016! I know half of the year already past but hey, better late than never ;P I think this time of the year is a great time to re-focus or to refresh any of the new year's resolution that we had. So let's take this opportunity to refocus, refresh and restart! :D

So in January, I landed myself a job. Alhamdulillah. And I was destined to befriend with bunch of 'crazy' people. We are under a management trainee program so we were sent for this boot camp just the 10 of us and that's when we get close more than ever! We are inseparable and we are actually surprised that we are very close and can get along with each other okay. Work was okay. I don't deny that I have to look for motivation every now and then.

In February, it's my birthdaaaaayyyyy. Happy 24th to me. Alhamdulillah. I have grown up and life have taught me what I have ought to learn and to the extent that I can bear. My wishes have never change. I hope that I can be a better person than I am before. I hope I can make a change (a better one of course) in somebody's life or in an organization and to make the world a better place to live in.

4th March 2016 is the first time I involved in street feeding. To be honest I was scared because this was the first time, going to the heart of KL giving out food to the homeless. I don't know what kind of people I would encounter (other than the homeless) like possible snatchers or 'flashers'. But our group is quite a number of people and there are a number of guys and some of my friends, if I may, are experienced street feeders, so I feel safe. I was stricken with sympathy. So many 'development' but still so many homeless and poor people. Street feeding is a noble initiative to help these people but I honestly think that this problem should be encounter at root cause. We help but we don't exactly solve the problem. But at this point I was glad I could at least help and I wish I can join more of this effort in the future.

April- month of birthday party! There's like 3 birthday celebrations altogether. My Dad is also an April baby so I can't complain. Hahaha. Apart from parties, I have also attended first concert ever in my life by 3 legendary performers - Ramli Sarip, Jamal Abdilah and M. Nasir. Wuhoooo~!!!! Awesomeness! One of my favorite songs is Syair Laila Majnun. Such a poetry... :) Another thing that makes April awesome is that I start to emceeing again! Yeay me ~ ~ ~ :) and I am glad know I've done well. Heee.

May was awesome too! I finally take my first annual leave. Haha. I traveled down south to Johor to visit a dear friend of mine. On top of that, I went to Legoland! (wishlist crossed) I rode the roller coasters because that's, I think, the only thing for adults to enjoy themselves there - I had to ride okay! The ticket cost me a fortune and that's big enough motivation for me to overcome my fear of height X(. If you didn't bring any children with you and you don't ride the roller coaster, you'll probably end up just taking photos or shopping...haha. I went to Educity Nusajaya. The place was humongous! I fell in love with that place already and I of course I visited MMU there! Not much to see but I don't know, it's just MMU.

And here comes June... month of Ramadan is here :) It's a good thing that Ramadan is here mid-year. As I mentioned in earlier paragraph, middle of the year is for us to refresh and re-focus. I would like to encourage all people (and me myself) to do likewise in the month of Ramadan, during mid-year to look into ourselves, refresh and refocus whatever aim that we have for the year and also to do that with our ibadah. May Allah bless us in this celebrated month and achieve whatever goals that we have set ourselves to achieve this year, insyaAllah.

Phew! Such a long post :,D

I think that's all for now (and past 5 months...haha). I'll be writing soon insyaAllah. 

Take care~!

Love,

F. 

Why bother..?

Then what?

Warts and all

By the time we get together, we will be all bruises and stitches. 

You really don't know 'warts' until some point in a relationship. It is really ugly. Sometimes you can barely handle it. I think I've been in 'romantic' stage all this while. Then grad happened. No, distance comes first. Then plenty of leisure time (unemployment), that my evil mind has most of the time take over. And then, things got messed up. I finally see 'warts'. It is ugly and most of the time I can barely handle it. That even demotivate me further. But you just don't leave when things got bitter right? So currently I still trying to pour some sugar in, both of us.

I just wish I don't complicate things, no second thoughts like I always have in almost everything and got me on my nerve. At the same time I don't want to be upset with myself, thinking negative about me all the time. I want to accept my weaknesses, embrace it dearly and then tell them to go. Dang, it's really hard... I wish I don't look at things too far ahead and try 'connect the dots' when they are barely there. There are no dots, just a few. And it's not the time for me to look backward just yet. Calling for guts.

We both in quicksand, sinking despite trying to save each other. I was supposed to be at safer area, but... I'm sinking more quickly than the other. 

i  a m  s     i      n     k      i           n              g                       .                  .                  .      

Saying it

Sometimes it is best not to say I love you to someone you love because it never measure up to how you really love that person. It more than just words typed in your message or said that pleasing the ears, it is even more than the feeling that is supposed to entails. The person being said to never really feel the same 'love' that you are feeling. He/she would probably just reply 'i love you too' because that they are supposed to do.

At this point you don't even want the reply because it is NOT the same. It is the love that you do not want to tell because it is just for you to know how you really really truly love the person and pray to God that 'i really love that person more than words can ever describe. Take care of him/her for me.' Therefore, it is sincere.

love,
F.