If I have the whole money in the world...

Warning: this post might contain exaggeration and it is a very long post. So, sit back, relax and  just make sure you have time for this. Judgement is allowed. 


Salam and good day :)


So, if I have the whole money in the world, I would pay back my sponsor. :O Okay close your mouth. Errmm.. why? This is because I never really fond of what I am doing right now (my studies, my course). Because it is so HARD and BLEERGGGGHHH. Study apa yang tak susah yang..? But it's different when you have passion to back it up. Susah macam mana pun, at the back of your mind there's always like a reminder: come on girl/dude you like this stuff, work for it, it will be worth it, it's your choice, you like this really... hah! Sikit punya panjang reminder dia. But yes something like that, that keep you going through trying times. But for me, it's a different story. I have no passion to back me up only the scary thought of being at the bottom of the totem pole of F-ing smart ass people and failure; I have to repeat the paper/the whole sem. In short, being outside of my comfort zone. I never failed before this. Ada la tapi fail dekat sekolah menengah apa la sangat ye tak? I've been living with high expectation since like forever (haha.. over sikit). Sometimes I feel privilege that I had is burdensome. Not that I'm complaining but this just what I feel every once in a while especially when it's exam time... ANNOYING. I wonder if this feeling of hate is seasonal. But somehow I'm quite certain it is not. @#$^&*! Lagi2 second sem ni... Hadoi. Senangnya menitik air mata tu dan banyak. Kalau jual boleh dapat untung tu.. ahakz. Tak tahu la kenapa fragile sangat feeling ni... TAK SUKA!! =.=

You might wonder kalau tak suka kenapa you take up that course? Allow me to list out my reasons:

1. My mom's blessing
2. Financial aid
3. I don't know what I want to be (at the age of 18.. embarrassing)
4. It's not that I don't know what I want to be. It's because I have too much ambition I don't know which one to choose (I'm not good at making decision)
5. Nanti senang dapat kerja

So yeah. That's the main 4 reasons. See any passion in there? No. No passion. And what make the whole situation worse is that I am too chicken to voice out for myself, my passion and my opinion. Every time I try to speak up the words stuck in my throat and it turns into rolling tears. Saya ni penyedih orangnya. Hate myself. It is also sad that because until now somehow I feel I don’t trust myself and let other people choose for me. Ok back to the topic: why didn’t I voice myself? Reasons:    


1.  I think it’s rude to go against your parents’ will
2.  I think everyone else knows what best for me. Bodohkan?
3.   I might end up being rude if I speak
4.  I’m a chicken dress up in human costume. Hahaha :D
5. I think everyone else’s opinion is better than mine

I’m such a mess during the study break. Menangis mata bengkak2 macam mati laki..hahaha. It’s so hard when you have to deal with I-don’t-even-want-to-be-an-accountant moments. Waktu tu la pikir is this the right choice and am I really want to pursue in this course, can I survive? Etc. I think that’s where the challenges lie. Nonsense seasonal thoughts … nonsense ke? I’m not sure myself. And what’s with all these whole stories about high-school/college drop outs being a zillionaire. Jangan la bagi harapan kepada average-ers macam saya ni. And I always have these thoughts that life is more than this, I am meant for something great. Tapi kenapa lah dia tak muncul in tangible or certain or tangible and certain forms. Haihh… But anyhow, I think all this mess is a beautiful discovery about life, people, choices, decision, your like and dislike and most importantly believing in yourself.

I do also seek advice from people regarding my situation. So what I have found out is:

1.   I do need a hobby and be committed to it. So I have to find something that I really enjoy doing it. (jangan gelak)

2.   Put myself first. Don’t listen too much to other people. Jangan nak jaga hati orang lain sangat because kalau jaga sangat pun nanti still hurt dan kita tak happy. So..? Get it?

3. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Don’t focus too much on your weaknesses.

4.  Be open.

5. It’s okay to make mistake. Seriously it’s okay. And learn from it.

6.  Don’t impress people. They never satisfied.

7.  It’s okay to voice your opinion.

8. Know your priorities.

And so, back to the main topic… If I have the whole money in the world. Naahhh… strike that. If you give chance to yourself, YOU WILL SURVIVE any challenges that you face. J Yeap as simple as that. Well at least for me… Ish tapi macam tak best je conclusion dia. Hahaha… Well, that’s what I can conclude for now. 

Alrite, see ya people. Take care.

Love,

Me and my mess